We imagine the dating profiles of stars on exclusive app Raya

IT’S the celeb dating app YOU can’t join.

Casanova and ex-EastEnders road sweeper Dean Gaffney has just signed up to Raya, saying: “I’m coming to an age where I want to meet my ride or die.”

We imagine Dean’s profile – and what other stars might say if they were on the exclusive app.

Dean, 42

HI, I’m Dean Gaffney, aka The Gaffer, aka the Sugar Hut David Gandy. I’m the one your mum warned you about . . .  cos she fancies me herself.

I’m in the market for an age-appropriate woman now as I promised my 24-year-old twin daughters I wouldn’t date anyone their age.

So no one over 23, please – and while we’re at it, no one under a 32G.

If you play your cards right, I’ll sweep you off your feet and introduce you to Wellard (it’s not just the nickname of my old ’Enders dog). 

Loves: Sticky-floored nightclubs, alcopops and a nice bit of Bush (Kate!).

Katie, 42

WOTCHA! I’m Katie but you can call me Pricey – well, you will after you’ve met my poor accountant. Haha.

I’m looking for a real man who knows his place – you’ll always play second fiddle to The Pricey, just ask Kieran, Pete, Alex, Danny, thingumy, whatshisname and . . . hang on, I’m running out of characters here. 

Yeah, I want a man who will love me for who I am and not just my boobs – they’ll have changed by our first date anyway. Must look good on camera cos they’ll be following us around 24/7 LOL. No Aussies, cage fighters or Milf chasers.

Harry, 26

YES, it’s me, Harry Styles, the guy from your bedroom wall ten years ago.

I’m still here, I’ve just been disguising myself with some gear I picked up from the Sue Ryder shop.

I’m looking for deep and meaningful love, someone to light up my world like nobody else . . . or failing that, a supermodel or actress I haven’t slept with (I’m already on “W” so appreciate there won’t be many of you left).

Ideally you’ll have no idea what Larry Shippers means and the only rumours you’ve heard about me are the ones from the waist down.

One D we’ll meet again.

Taylor, 31

OMG, WLTM a new BBFE (that’s Best Boyfriend For Evermore, duh!) in preparation for new break-up album . . . 

Sorry, new LOVE STORY.

Must have ridiculous good looks and zero shame, obvs.

Age and body shape doesn’t matter – my I § TS singlet comes in all sizes.

So Tay-Tay-ke a chance on me and you too could be a footnote in my prolific musical career.

Previous lovers need not apply, we are never ever getting back together.

Just fill in this blank space about how much you love ME!

Rita, 30

THEY call me Rita “the Man-Eater” Ora, but don’t let that put you off . . . I also date women.

Looking for someone Hot Right Now to put their body on me for approximately two weeks.

I Will Never Let You Down, until I let you down and you refuse to let me perform any of the songs you wrote for me.

Must be a stickler for the rules (so I don’t have to be) and must also be comfortable with top-secret international travel. 

No Scots, please. 

Craig, 39

PEOPLE like to call me CD (Craig David, get it?) but don’t hold that against me. 

Looking to Selecta special lady for weekly hook-ups – Mondays and Tuesdays only.

Must have own home due to recent incident with ex-GF’s parents’ jacuzzi and a bottle of Shiraz.

Must like facial furniture and have never heard of that #[email protected]&%!!#[email protected]&% Leigh Francis.

Are you ready for some Craig David all over you? 

If so, you could be my new Bo.

Vicky, 33

WHY aye, it’s us, Vicky Pattison. You might know us from the jungle, coz I won that one.

So basically I’m a bona fide QUEEN lookin’ forra KING to rock us world. 

Despite what you may have read, seen or heard about me every day for the past ten years, I am actually quite a shy and retiring type.

So I’m lookin’ for a calm, sensible fella . . . to hold the fort while I’m on the razz with me mates. Haha.

That’s just me having a bit of a joke. You won’t have to hold the fort, just me phone while I do another quick selfie. Hashtag no filter, me!

Lewis, 24

AYE, I am old enough to be on here, before yous ask. My name’s Lewis and i’m intae findin’ a tidy lassie . . . sorry, I mean somebody to love.

I sing soppy ballads for a living then deconstruct that image off stage in a self-deprecating way while I count my money. You’ve probably heard of one of ma choons – it was on repeat when your last boyfriend dumped you.

I’m Scottish and proud and I love a party, so you’ll never have to buy the bevvies – though you might have to order them, as I keep forgetting my ID.

Just put them on ma tab – it’s under my full name: Noel Gallagher. 

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